I, Mikey
by Angst Splatter
Summary: Sometimes, Mikey is so good it hurts. In and out of a Purple Dragon warehouse without so much as pulling his nun-chucks out? Psh. Consider it done, with a stamp of awesome upon it. James Bond theme song and everything.


Blub, challenge. Supposed to have a humorous tone, so I hope that gets across.

Disclaimer: Blub. Not mine.

~TMNT~

I Mikey, total badass and ninja master extraordinaire, was in the middle of a secret reconnaissance mission, where I was going to kick more bad guy butt than any of my brothers had in their combined lifetimes. Because I'm just that good.

Humming the theme song from James Bond, I dropped down another level in the building, enjoying the echo effect the elevator shaft gave to the song.

Leo would totally lecture me about how I "wasn't grasping the way of ninjitsu" or something like that right now…if he even knew I was out doing Raph's shtick. Actually, he'd probably first lecture me about being out doing Raph's shtick and "putting the family in danger with my rash actions", but these thoughts bored me while I was in the middle of being super rad, so I pushed them to the back of my mind. What Leo-nar_do_ didn't know wouldn't hurt him, after all. And it's not like he didn't ever play vigilante. Psh. I looked much better doing this than any of my brothers.

I hummed slightly quieter and slid out of the empty elevator shaft. Totally badass move, if you ask me. I didn't even have to listen to know where they were. With a big grin on my face, I practically danced – but, uh, not danced, I, uh, tromped about in manly Raph fashion, like the completely graceful ninja I am – down the hallway, using the ceiling to be Spiderman and avoid being seen by whoever might be in the passing rooms.

Their bad guy chatter got louder and louder the closer I got, and I started humming the James Bond theme song again. The bad guys, clueless as they always were, didn't even take notice. I grinned. Leo totally needed to be less serious and stop thwacking me upside the head when I hummed this during group effort outings.

I'd be in and out so fast _I_, in all my awesome glory, wouldn't even realize what I had done. I imagined my sick victory, knowing Leo never had to know. 'Yeah, Leo, just a pizza run. The guy got our toppings wrong, so it took a little longer than usual. Geez, _mom_, I'm fine.'

I cackled in glee and obvious superiority, only this time the bad guys weren't so clueless.

"You hear that?"

"Nah, dumbass, I missed it. What was it?" the voice oozed more sarcasm than Raph did.

"A wicked laugh, man! Like some righteous good guy imagining his pre-conceived victory over us, and –" a dull thud. A sound I knew well. The poor dude had just been whacked upside the head.

From my ninja spot clinging to the ceiling – see, Leo, I can do it, too – I shook away the thought that bad guys were scarily good sometimes. At least that guy was. Reminded me a bit of myself. "Heh," I accident- er, totally said on purpose, to let the big bads know what I thought of their lame plans and un-ninja-like ways.

"Did'ja hear it that time?" the guy asked again, his voice a whisper that did nothing to make him sound quiet. I was wrong. Not like me at all. I completely got it the first time that the other guy had actually heard me.

Sarcasticer-than-Raph-man gave a sigh and a sound came to my awesome ninja-hearing-ears that sounded suspiciously like him literally facepalming. His voice was muffled when he spoke again. "Yeah, I heard it that time, ya dumbass."

I think Stupider-than-me was going to ask what he thought Sarcasticer-than-Raph-man thought it might be, but I didn't give a chance.

I gave a ferocious and might cry "YAHH!" and swung down into the room, knocking them both down at once with kicks to the face. As a superior ninja, their voices gave me their positions, allowing me to knock them down that much quicker.

I was up again, gulping when I realized I might have – but only _might have_, mind you – underestimated the situation. I leapt up into the ceiling rafters, as gunshots began to fly about the place. I admired my handiwork from up above, only about fifty feet away from where panicked gangsters were shooting at. I don't know what Raph is always complaining about being shot at. He just needed to be more ninja, like me!

The two men I had jump kicked were out cold on the ground, blood flowing from their noses. I snorted and started humming the James Bond theme song again, as I made my way down back to the ground, unnoticed by these idiot bad guys.

Using my awesome stealth skills that I never got credit for, I snuck up behind two of the furthest back Purple Dragons, shooting wildly up at the ceiling, _still_ no where close to where I had been, and chuckled. The knuckleheads didn't even hear me. Frowning, I decided this meant fate had planned for me to keep the ninja way. Who was I to deny luscious lady fate? I grabbed them both by the mouth and whipped them around. Their guns sprayed bullets in wild arcs that died halfway to me. Empty mag. Suckers.

The one on the right met a nasty fate as I pounded his face into my knee. The second met a slightly nastier fate as I swung him around so hard he knocked himself out by hitting his head on my shell. Three further back Dragons weren't nearly as incompetent as the others, following the arc of bullets back to me. It was too late for the first guy, though, as I leapt forward with a speed that Leo would be jealous of, and tackled him to the ground. We rolled behind some crates, which protected us from the spray of bullets the other two were aiming our way.

"Some friends, huh?" I chuckled at the gangster, a stupid looking purple Mohawk wilting from the action of today framing his face. His wrist was broken from our initial tackle and I gave him a simple, but hard, pinch where I knew a pressure point was. Five gangsters down and I still hadn't even lifted a nun-chuck. Man, was I good.

Somewhere back in their thick skulls, the rest of the PD's realized that their counterparts were onto something and started shooting at the crates, too, none of them smart enough to just cease fire long enough to come back and actually shoot at me.

Not stuck for an escape plan in the slightest, of course not, I decided to take a moment to explore and see what these guys were actually doing. Raph and Casey had mentioned something about a huge weapons smuggle the last time they came back from busting heads, purposefully speaking loud and clear enough for Leo to overhear all of their exploits, just to tick him off.

I pulled a crate over to my lap, and opened it in a smooth motion. Even I was impressed by my grace. Big gun. Definitely overcompensating for something. It was probably Hun's, I snorted. And, what was this? It was good I had such keen observational skills, or this might have been missed. The padding hadn't been pushed down all the way. Curious, I lifted it up. Fake bottom. Knowing I had plenty of time before these Dragons would ever get me – ha, no one could outwit the Great Mikester! – I carefully pulled the gun out and set it aside. Even more carefully, I pulled out the padding.

Something green and glowing. "Whoaaaa," I couldn't help but murmur. In some kind of cool, high tech case. Man, Donnie just had to see this! I'm sure he wouldn't even ask any questions, or at least, he wouldn't tell Leo, if I just mentioned that time in the junkyard with the broken trampoline… I had been saving that up for something good.

This was something good.

But how to get out? I glanced up. Aha! The Mikester can never be stopped. I grinned in triumph, carefully lifting the device with the glowing goo in it. I hooked it securely to my belt, and then pulled another crate over. Looks like I had hit the jackpot. I don't know why Raph is always complaining about turtle luck. It was always good for me. The fake bottom to this one held drugs. Boring drugs that were easy to recognize.

I slipped my grappling hook out of my belt, always totally prepared for situations such as these, grabbed a handful of bagged up drugs, and whipped them forward. The Purple Dragons, being no where near as genius as I – or as devilishly handsome as I, for that matter – took the bait and shot at it. Within seconds I had grappled up the wall and was back in an elevator shaft. I loudly hummed the James Bond theme song, popping out at the next floor level.

. . . Only to come face to face with Hun.

If I were a lesser turtle I might have gulped at his heaping figure and nefarious grin. But I was not a lesser turtle, and I struck a heroic pose and glared him in the eye. "I suggest you move out of my way, you giant lug of a Neanderthal," I said, stealing Donnie's words from the last time we had faced Hun. Not especially my best work, but since when did Hun require my best work. And Donnie should be really honored that I choose his words to repeat.

I don't actually know why I did, but he should be really honored anyway, great ninja and turtle that I am.

Hun growled. "I believe you have something that belongs to me, turtle," he spat out, pointing a big, meaty finger to the glowing thing attached to my hip.

I gave him my best puppy dog eyes. "But daaaaddy-" I started, but didn't get any further, as Hun lunged at me. "Seriously uncool to interrupt a turtle, dude!" I informed him, since he obviously didn't know that, while easily flipping out of his range.

"Give it, turtle!" he snapped, and I shook my head in amusement.

Donnie was going to love me for this. Hun was impatient and angry. Obviously, I had taken something totally awesome with a heaping of extra sick. "Uh, uh, uh," I teased Hun in a sing-song voice, dancing – I mean, tromped away in a manly Raph fashion, graceful as a ninja, like always – away from his grasp. I wiggled my finger back and forth at him for extra insult. He managed another growl, to which I muttered, "uncouth, dude. If you don't want to hold a conversation with me, just say so," and stuck my nose up at him. Predictably, he growled again, giving another swipe.

Growing tired of his lame moves, I grabbed onto a meaty fist, flipping myself over it, using that momentum to propel myself towards his face. My foot slammed into his jaw, and I felt it break more so than I heard it crack. He stumbled backwards, his head flinging back with my awesome amount of force, as I crouched, then slammed up on his face again, using his height to help push me towards the ceiling rafters for the billionth time that night.

I either must have put more force behind that move than I thought or I was, heaven forbid, still packing holiday weight. His nose was easily shoved to the side, blood spraying from it so much so that even I had to be impressed at my skills of evasion. I did a quick looksie to make sure I had managed to miss all the blood. I pumped my fist up in victory. "Yes! Man, I'm good," I modestly announced to the room.

"Later, Hun," I cheerily waved down at him, as he groaned, holding his jaw in one hand, looking around for something to throw at me to knock me down. I laughed. I was too quick for him. By the time he realized there was a big, wooden chair just to his left, I was gone.

All without my nun-chucks. Sensei would be so proud! I ambled back over to the pizza joint, picking my clothes up along the way, thankful the uncomfortable clothes had big pockets for which the glowing mass could be stuffed into.

The pizzas had been waiting for five minutes, but would still be plenty hot enough by the time I got back. I flashed the busy cashier a wide smile, shoving money her way. She didn't even bother counting it, as I ducked my way out of the store, pizzas in hand.

I reveled over my battle and glory on the way back home, sticking to the sewers now that I was done thumping the Dragons good. The scenes flashed before my eyes in all their prestige, and I nearly forgot, stunned by my glory, to hide the glowing mass out here until I got a good chance to bring it in the lair. I stuffed it in my super secret hiding place, then sauntered inside with a cocky grin on my face. I slapped the pizzas down and shouted to my unknowing brothers, thinking about how they could use some more ninja training to catch up to me, "pizzas are here!"

It was useless to shout in a home full of ninja, but we did it anyway. Probably a habit picked up from all the television my lazy bum brothers watched. They had known the moment I entered the door that I was back with pizza. At least. I was sure I knew when any of them came and went better than they could tell when I came and went. The kitchen was immediately full. Not like four turtles was much, but the kitchen was a little smaller. My awesomeness took up a lot of room.

"You're late," Leo remarked dryly, studying me as I peeled off the clothes and threw them in a heap on the ground. Splinter harrumphed from his room, having eaten "something healthier" earlier, and I groaned and picked the clothes up, throwing them at Leo, who easily dodged them, sending them Raph's way. Raph was busy trying to separate enough of the cheese from the pizza that he could get it away from the box, and was hit in the face with a lump of clothes. He growled playfully, as Don removed the clothes from his face and threw them back at me.

I sighed dramatically and set the clothes on the couch, going in for my pieces before my pig brothers could eat it all.

"What'd you get held up with?" Leo asked me more directly this time. Damn, my well planned out strategic diversion had failed! Oh, well, I was a great ninja, I could certainly out ninja my brother in this.

"Oh, one of the pizza's was wrong. They were going to make it over when they realized it'd just gotten placed with someone else's order. No biggie," I grinned victoriously at my brother, sure I had gotten away with this.

"Hm," was all he remarked, and soon after the brotherly bickering of Raph and Don filled the lair.

I studied Leo under the pretense of watching Raph and Don argue, something about how Raph didn't think his bike went fast enough and Don telling him it did and that he was an idiot.

I was soon sure that Leo suspected nothing, and with a grin, watched Raph and Don bicker back and forth for real.

Leo finished before all of us and sighed and shook his head at the two fighting turtles. I had a feeling he was on Don's boring side of that the bike shouldn't go faster. I thought it'd be real cool if Don made the bike go fast enough that Raph just ended up crashing into everything, and remarked as such, getting a growl from Raph and an eye roll from Don. Leo, being Leo and unreadable, even to master ninja such as myself, patted my shoulder, humming the James Bond theme song as he walked out of the kitchen. I choked on my pizza as Raph and Don started up their fight again, watching Leo out of the corner of my eye, as he propelled himself up to the second lair with a move that seemed suspiciously like the one I had used on Hun.

As a master ninja (drowned out by the sound of his arguing brothers) I did not totally gulp. Not doubting my stealth or ninja skills in the slightest, I slunk away to retrieve the glowing mass and place it in Don's lab before Leonar- er, some random sewer worker stumbled upon it. I made like a ninja past Leo's room. It was total coincidence that he started humming the James Bond theme song again as I walked past – it had to be; I was like super ninja! Slinking, erm, proudly strutting into the bathroom, I sighed in relief as Leo stopped humming.

I let out a, rather manly, shriek of shredded dignity, as I faintly registered Raph and Don bursting into laughter downstairs. Somewhere, _somehow_, along the way in my awesome and super secret mission, purple paint, unmistakably the color of the PD's, had been dumped down the side of my face. I stared gloomily into the mirror, wondering how I could fix this, as I slowly started dunking my face in the sink water, cleaning it off.

I Mikey, total badass and ninja master extraordinaire, could break the faces of gangsters without the aid of my nun-chuck, carry a tune like no other, out ninja my brothers any day of the week, and whip up the most awesome tasting, mouth-watering meal ever made, needed to work on my equally badass entrance skills, apparently.

~TMNT~

Crit welcome. Hope you enjoyed! I suck at first person, so I hope I didn't accidentally switch out of tense in a few spots.


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